The Top 22 Statements Heard on College Tours and What they Really Mean

     William Zell

1. There are no classes taught by TA’s=the professors aren’t busy enough to be bothered by having to teach classes
2. Good safety, mention of Blue Light system=you probably are in a safe residential area, and if you aren’t, those lights aren’t going to keep your wallet in your pants
3. They have had no problems with the food=they eat out
4. Laundry is free=tuition
5. Lots to do=there are hundreds of other kids your age, no parents, and easy access to alcohol- you can figure something out
6. Not a suitcase campus=they are so far from anything, it makes no sense to go home
7. They’ve had one of the following perform in the past 5 years: Kid Cudi, Ke$ha, Drake, Asher Roth=tuition
8. Not competitive=procrastination is easier at college
9. My professor has the whole class over for dinner every week=that happened once- I think he gave us water or something
10. Focused on undergrads=doesn’t have a good/large graduate program
11. Internships that lead to actual jobs=that’s is what an internship is
12. Top ten in at least on list=they employ at least 3 people to check every list about colleges so they can find the one that has them in it
13. Sustainable=they recycle some and have a LEED certified building, dorms are still cinderblock
14. Community involvement=as a freshman, you can paint a mural or something
15. Don’t need a laptop/printer=yeah, you can use our crappy stuff
16. Dorms are nice=they look like dorms
17. The weather usually isn’t this bad=the weather is usually that bad
18. Explanation of dining plan=we are catered by the same company that also invested in the private prison business and caters most of the rest of the schools in the country.(look it up: Sodexo)
19. If I’m going to trip over something, tell me=I am attempting to break the ice with a lame, withered joke
20. They have the best college cricket team in the United States=they have the only  college cricket team in the United States*
21. They have a Quidditch team=yes, there are still nerds at college
22. Hands on learning=you can spend time doing boring research for professors you will meet once if you enjoy that kind of thing

*Haverford College- reported by Gabe Mizrachi