Gabe Mizrachi
On May 16, 2011, the school went into “lockdown” status, as there was extensive police activity outside the nearby 813 Woodbine Ave. Within the school, students were told that there was a domestic argument between two residents inside the house, that one left, and the other locked himself inside the house. However, this story does not explain the SWAT team that was outside the house. Surely, people surmised, the problem must have been much more serious. It turns out that the doubtful crowd was correct. In the operation, the soldiers sent into the house were successful in assassinating Osama bin Laden- for real.
When the SWAT team entered, they were met with heavy resistance from a group of al-Qaeda insurgents armed with automatic rifles. Two members of the SWAT team were wounded, but in the end, they were able to get hold of bin Laden, who was near death. A medic was brought in to treat his wounds so he could be questioned.
“Curses!” bin Laden exclaimed, “I thought this was perfect! All these years! And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddlin’ kids!”
Before he was interrogated about his doings with al-Qaeda, a group of reporters asked him what everyone has been wondering for years: how has he kept himself busy?
“Well first of all,” bin Laden said, his voice already fading from rapid blood loss, “I score mad bogies down at C Wall- the bros there kept me chilled through my years here. I take out the garbage at Sal’s for some bills. I pull the fire alarm at the high school here and there. I even went with a freshman to J-prom. You know, I keep it legit.” His Mamaroneck vernacular was impeccable.
The reporters knew it was to get to the real questions, and they had to hurry, for he started to cough and wince in pain. An embedded reporter asked him how he coordinated al-Qaeda’s activities from Mamaroneck.
“You know, FB, Skype. I chill with al-Zawahiri [a fellow leader of al-Qaeda] at his place at Larchmont Acres sometimes.” We asked him to elaborate, but he was too weak to answer. It was never made clear whether other al-Qaeda leaders besides al-Zawahiri are residing in the area, but investigators are searching the town thoroughly.
Bin Laden appeared to have only enough energy to answer one more question before he died. The reporters, now aware that the entire operation in Abbottabad, Pakistan was simply a diversion, asked him how and why he coordinated the attack. They asked how they retrieved a man who looked exactly like him (and had matching DNA), and why they chose such a conspicuous location (a mansion near a military base). When the reporters finally desisted and leaned in for his answer, bin Laden broke into a weak laughter.
“Abbottabad,” he said with a smirk, “I can’t…believe…you fell for that…lolz,” and he was still.
In a press conference later that afternoon, President Obama seemed to be in a stupor. “I don’t know,” he said, staring into space, “I guess it just didn’t occur to me. I mean, God bless America and all, but wow- Mamaroneck?”
